


One Breath

by scullywolf



Series: TXF: Scenes in Between [32]
Category: The X-Files
Genre: F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, MSR, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-12
Packaged: 2018-04-14 08:35:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4557912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scullywolf/pseuds/scullywolf





	One Breath

_“I feel, Scully, that you believe you’re not ready to go. And you’ve always had the strength of your beliefs. I don’t know if my being here… will help bring you back. But I’m here.”_   


He kept his fingers loosely curled around her hand as he sat back in the chair. Her hand was neither warm nor cold, cool in a way that was just on the edge of disconcerting, not quite unnatural but not normal either. Then again, what did he know about normal? The only times he'd ever held her hand, one or the other of them had been in a hospital bed.

He was so tired.

He watched her resolutely, afraid that each breath might be her last, that her chest might fall and not rise again. He watched as if by pure strength of will he could keep her heart beating, her life contained within her body. 

It hadn't taken much to decide that Melissa was right after all.

("Why is it so much easier for you to run around trying to get even than just expressing to her how you feel?")

He'd warred with himself for only a few minutes after she'd left his apartment.

_What if she's right? What if this is it and you miss it?_

_I don't have a choice. They have to pay for what they did to her. There is no other justice but this._

_But at what cost? Is that justice worth what you might be losing? If you don't get to say goodbye, doesn't that mean they still beat you in the end?_

_... Damn it._

So he'd made his decision. He'd exchanged the chance to avenge her for the chance to hold her hand just one more time. To watch the evidence of her continued existence blip and beep on monitors for as long as it would sustain.

He was so very, very tired.

It might have been days since the last time he'd slept properly, or it might have been weeks. An hour here or there was not enough to chase away the soul-deep exhaustion that hung around him like a physical thing, a shroud he was tasked with bearing until further notice. If she died tonight... part of him was certain he would shoulder this burden forever.

("Even if it doesn't bring her back, at least she'll know. And so will you.")

His thumb stroked across her knuckles once, twice. How was it possible to need someone this much? Losing her as his partner had been bad enough. He had nearly lost himself in a fog of depression and defeat. But she had refused to let him keep shutting her out (even if he thought he was doing it for her sake), and she had made things all right again. Not perfect, but so, so much more bearable.

And look what it had gotten her.

If he lost her now, lost her for _real_...

God damn it, but he was tired.

He watched her until his eyes began to water. And then he closed them, listening to the beeps and keeping her hand in his. Anchoring himself to her, because even now he could barely conceive of it being any other way; here she was, barely hanging on to life, and _he_ was the one at risk of being cast adrift. As long as she was still here, he couldn't float away.

He didn't remember falling asleep.

He woke up, hours later, jerked awake disoriented and panic-stricken, certain he had missed something even though he had no idea what. Scully's mother and sister sat on the other side of the bed, and his gaze no sooner settled on them than flew back to Scully's face. Her chest rose and fell in his peripheral vision, and his own breath left him in a rush.

"She's still here." Melissa's voice barely carried over the sound of blood pounding in his ears. "The doctor came in about an hour ago. He said her rhythms are steadier again."

Unable to trust himself to speak yet, he nodded.

"She feels stronger to me, too, like her spirit's more... sorry." She cut herself off at the stricken look he knew was on his face. "I know you don't feel comforted by that. Just... thank you. Whether or not you want to believe it, I think you being here has helped. If nothing else, both of you seem much more at peace."

Mulder wanted to say he could hardly recall a time he'd felt _less_ at peace, but as he looked back at Scully once more, at monitors that continued to blip and breath that continued to flow in and out of her, he felt something loosen ever so slightly in his stomach, and he knew that wasn't entirely true.

"Well, okay, maybe _much_ more is a bit of an overstatement, on your part," Melissa said, "but _somewhat_ more, anyway."

His eyes still trained on Scully, he swallowed. "I should probably... I didn't mean to fall asleep."

"You're welcome to stay, Fox," Mrs. Scully said gently. "But it does seem that her condition is not so precarious as it appeared, last night. If you'd like to go home and get some rest, we'll call you if anything changes."

He glanced at the clock. How could he possibly explain that the past six hours, here in an uncomfortable hospital chair, holding her daughter's hand, had been the most restful sleep he'd gotten since... however long it had been?

Giving Scully's hand a final surreptitious squeeze, he stood, fighting a grimace at the ache in his lower back. "Okay. Call me if anything changes."


End file.
